Today I am posting a link to a blog that I follow at "Holy Experience".  May the words you find here bless you and inspire you as they do me.

Peace of Christ to you.

michelle

http://www.aholyexperience.com/2010/08/what-is-really-in-midst-of-every-messy.html?utm_source=feedburner&utm_medium=email&utm_campaign=Feed%3A+HolyExperience+%28Holy+Experience%29

Five years ago today, my baby boy was born too early to survive. It was the day I woke up and felt for the first time that I was truly connected to the rest of humanity. So much sorrow. Such long lasting, life altering, deep deep sorrow. As I sat in a recovery room five days later, recovering from the trauma of a toxic embolism that took the life of my child and almost killed me, tears flowing onto soggy pancakes that I could not choke down and breast milk flowing for the child I could not feed, I heard Christ whisper in my ear "Your salvation is secure. Grieve, daughter. You cannot lose my love".

And so I grieved. Through days, weeks, months, years, wave after wave of so much sorrow.  So many, many layers of my heart and life disrupted and upturned. So much in me to be undone.

In the course of 2005, an unusual high volume of devastating natural disasters swept around the world; hurricane Katrina; life shattering earthquakes in Pakistan and India; erupting volcanoes followed by more hurricanes and mud slides; a terrifying and deadly tsunami; crops destroyed by locusts in Nigeria, followed by famine; endless violence and war. All this overwhelming loss and sorrow of helpless humanity.  Story after story of tragedy and such devastating loss from every corner of the globe, and my heart cannot bear it. The grief is unbearable and it feels as if I am suffocating under the weight of it.  I know that my own sorrow is just a miniscule drop in the bucket.

I remember one late evening in particular in my backyard, crying out to God "How can you bear it? How can you bear the weight of so much sorrow and the evil of every human that has ever lived, past, present, future? How can you bear it?" And so gently, so sweetly, He says to me "Because I AM LOVE.   You, daughter, know nothing of the NATURE of LOVE".

And what can I do in that moment but fall on my face and humbly proclaim "OH. MY. GOD!"  
I know it's true. I know nothing of the TRUE nature of Love. Is it even possible for any of us to ever fully understand that kind of love?  And yet could it be possible that Here, in this place, this horrible awful hurting place, in this darkness, in this sorrow, in this overwhelming grief, that this is place where LOVE is born?  

The sacrifice of a broken heart. A heart that is broken by LOVE.

"For you have no delight in sacrifice; if I were to give a burnt offering, you would not be pleased. The sacrifice acceptable to God is a broken spirit; a broken and contrite heart, O God, you will not despise." (Psalm 51:16-17)

Through this journey of sorrow I have come to learn that the path to holiness is not in living a righteous "doing" sort of life (burnt offerings, so to speak), but it is becoming "undone", and the UNDOING of a heart that is done by nail pierced hands is the most painful and yet most kind and gentle way. It is here in this place of being made UNDONE, where the wounds and scars of a lifetime of hardness begin to heal. It is in this place where the TRUE NATURE OF LOVE is free to do it's work. 

I see people differently now, and I understand the world differently. Because I have known a taste of sorrow, I have learned a little something of the true nature of love. I am made to be UNDONE and it is a better way.  

August 9, 2005 was a day that changed me forever. I miss sweet Solomon and long for him with all my heart. We held him that day and kissed him and tried to absorb as much of his beautiful face and tiny perfect body as we possibly could. He had his daddy's hand and Mercy's chin.  I miss the other 3 babies that never made it past 14 weeks and I grieve the loss and empty places these children have left in our family.  It still hurts.

But HERE, in this given day, I know and love JESUS in a way that I have never known before. In return for loss and sorrow, he has given me HIMSELF. I know that I am LOVED.
How did I not ever understand this before?
   And how could I ever trade back?

"Shadows" by David Crowder

Today we are to be praying for true freedom, peace, and joy as we learn to live holy lives.

But for me, these past couple of weeks have been anything but peaceful, freedom filled, or joyous. Instead, the days have been filled with anxiety, confusion, frustration, fear, doubt, irritability, fatigue, and bouts of mild depression.
I could blame it on hormones or the weather or early onset of Alzheimer’s, and although these things might be contributing factors, I suspect the closer truth has something more to do with systems and change and resistance.

I need to get to Jesus. Right now. Because I can’t stand the “grrrrrr”, and the “yuck” and the “ick” that is troubling my soul and so I need to get to the ONE place, to THE ONE, that puts me all back to right again. I need to get to Jesus for the healing and the cleansing and the communion. My shelter. My rock. My peace.

I’m going to pick up my guitar, even though I’d rather avoid it right now, and I’m going to ignore the laundry and the TV and the computer (as soon as I’m done writing). I’m going to bypass the temptation to sink into a big glass of wine and I’m going to push aside the distractions and through the resistance and WORSHIP JESUS.
Right NOW.

During the course of a conversation I was having with a friend this evening, I made reference to a very poor choice I had made way back in my early college years. My friend was quite shocked that I would have ever done such a stupid thing because it seems so out of context with who I am today, and she's right. It's been many years since I've even thought of this particular event; it's so far removed from my life and who I've become. I thank God that I am not the "me" I was way back then, but am a person who has been changed and redeemed by God's grace. I am forgiven.

And yet as I let my mind wander back to that dark time in my life, I wonder what opportunities I missed because of my disobedience. I wonder and my heart aches and I am embarrassed with the memory and I sense the loss and the "what if"...... but the point is mute because it is what it is and "it" cannot be undone.

I think of the circumstances that set me on such a particular path of destruction. I know that I was very hurt, confused and angry at the time, and I know that my very deliberate sin was nothing more than a temper tantrum thrown in the face of God. I wanted to strike back and hurt him. I knew my choices were eventually going to have dire consequences, not just for me, but for others as well. Because no sin is ever done as unto one's self. I didn't care.

I was mad. Really mad.

I was justified.

Sin is always easily justified, no matter how big or how little.

I was stupid. Very, very, stupid.

I knew I needed to stop my course of action, I heard the voice in what fragments of my integrity were left, but I ignored the voice. Oh sure, I made a couple of very feeble attempts to change here and there, but my sin felt so good. I felt so justified. I wanted to be bad. For the first time in my life, I was being REALLY bad. I kinda liked it. I was a little bit scared, but I was having an "adventure"....

The voice persisted, and I continued to ignore. Again. And again. How long this went on, I don't even remember.

And then one day, it all changed. Secrets. Lies. Deception. All found out. Exposure. All was revealed.

The hand of God intervened. STOP!!! NOW!

Hearts were broken. Lives were forever changed. Apologies were made. Change was promised.

Shame. Sorrow.

I had been living a double life and now circumstance had come 'round and change was forced. I felt relief that it was finally over, that I didn't have to be fake anymore.

I repented. I made changes for keeps this time.

But I confess, it was a while longer before real repentance came. The true repentance that comes when the Holy Spirit starts cleaning house. Such sorrow and grief over how selfish and thoughtless I had been, for the lies that hurt others, a rending of the heart and humiliation at the feet of Christ. Becoming undone (but not for the last or only time). A broken heart finally contrite enough to let go of the hurt and illusion of control and the fear. So much of this heart to be UNDONE.

It had been a long time coming, but Change had finally begun.

Grace and Mercy. I don't deserve this.

Shame is shouting, screaming, throwing, raging. drowning me.

But Grace and Mercy like blankets cover my shame, swaddling me like a newborn.
Love with tears whispers

FORGIVEN. FORGIVEN. FORGIVEN. FORGIVEN. FORGIVEN. FORGIVEN. FORGIVEN. FORGIVEN. FORGIVEN.

Healing began in the deepest of deep. Healing in places that did not have a name. Healing that continues it's work still and on and on through the course of a life-time. Healing that changes me. Everyday. Forever.

I don't like looking back, but it's the only way to see the distance that He has brought me. I am still truly sorry and saddened for the choices I made, (I'd like to say I've never made any bad choices since then, but unfortunately, I still do). However I know that because of Jesus Christ, I am not the "ME" I used to be. And for this, I whole-heartedly thank God!

All praise and gratitude and love and worship unto Jesus Christ who intervened for ALL of us and pursues us to the darkest corners of our hearts.

Thanks for reading.

Michelle

Holiness.  Set Apart.  Cleansed.  Pure.  Do these words make you think of your life?  For most of us, it is a little intimidating when Paul says, "present your bodies a living sacrifice, holy and acceptable to God."  We read that and wonder how we are ever going to achieve a holy life, let alone a life that is "acceptable" as a sacrifice to God.

"I have really been enjoying praying for holiness for our community and hope that we can continue in this a little longer. I know the topic has been a difficult one for me to grasp in the past. I believe the Lord has been showing me who I really am in him. I am holy and it is through him that I can say that. I think so often my vision is clouded by so many external forces of who we ought to be or how we need to do this or that to be holy. However, we already are holy and it is just believing and walking in that truth and our justification.
I have been led to pray that the Lord will use our words to edify and encourage each other in our daily lives with a genuine and sincere heart. I also have had a heavy heart for relationships especially the marriages in our church. I have been led to pray for  holiness to be lived out in each person and in relationships to be whole. My prayers seem to flow more towards healing and bringing it back to how God has made even our relationships holy-- distinct and set apart from the world. Holiness is the new way of life that we have been called to live in. I feel God has been repeating "New Life...Newness...Renewal." I am eager to dig deeper and seek out just what God has for us as a community as we seek to be a holy people."  - Cindy Avila

"I find that I am excited when my day of the week comes. At first, I didn't know what "holiness" really meant. This led me to research the word in dictionaries and concordances. I have found that on Tuesdays, I find that my own language is more holy - I sometimes find myself in discussions about faith, scripture or belief with co-workers. This never happened before I prayed. I know it's because the Lord is leading me to be more mindful.
I also find that I am more peaceful, and like others, I believe that we have only tapped the surface of this topic.
In conclusion, I want to tell a story that I think demonstrates the power of this prayer watch. 

My stepmother passed away unexpectedly Sunday afternoon. She was very ill and was 84, so it was not a total shock, but it was sudden. She and I were not close - in fact, she did not like me and stood in the way of my father and I having a relationship for many years. While helping my father go through paperwork on Tuesday, I found a letter that she had written me and my sister, filled with hate, cursing us, and listing the many ways that we were wrong, horrible, and awful, ugly people. I had a physical reaction that made me sick to my stomach and raced for the bathroom. The only thing I could think was, "make me holy, give me holy words, help me LORD." When I was calm, I talked to my brother-in-law. I kept my language holy. I prayed more intensely. I know in the past, I would have been angry, would have said angry words to my father, would have let the hate get to me. But this time, the amazing thing was, I had no anger for this attack, I had only sorrow. I believe that praying for holiness saved me from an attack on my spirit! and, the funny thing was, I had completely forgotten what day it was! I prayed in the morning, and then in the moment, forgot that was Tuesday. But the Lord didn't forget.

I am testifying that prayer is powerful, and that praying for holy words, in particular, has helped me. I hope it has helped others as well". - Julie Espy

"i have been asking god to "GRANT" that we would live, speak, do holy things. that's the word i keep using. i feel he is leading me to use this word because it is only by his opened hand in our lives that we might be holy or, as i understand the definition of holiness to be "dedicated to a sole purpose", that we might be dedicated solely to him. love to you all." - kerri kumar

" Initially I thought, "I cant' do a prayer watch, I don't have enough time." but recently the Lord impressed it upon me that it is not necessary to have large continuous periods of time available in order to pray.  So every 15 minutes while I'm at work an Outlook reminder jumps up on my computer with the word "Pray" and a sign on my desk reminds me what to pray for that day.
I must say first of all how blessed I have felt to have the honor of praying for the family throughout the day.  Also, I have found that praying for others in our body to desire holy lives has me examining my own life more frequently – not as to a “list of things to do to be holy” or “things to not do to be holy”- but as to the very condition of my heart at that moment.  This continuous, repeated call to prayer, and to holiness itself, has touched me on a deep level.  I have felt closer to God because of it.  So, thank you for letting me be a part of this. - Karen

"Our lives are to be sacrifices (without blemish).  We know this is not possible on our own.  No matter what we do or don't do.  But could "presenting ourselves as a living sacrifice" be as simple as asking God for Help?  Most of us skip over the words preceding Paul's exhortation:  " I urge you therefore brethren, by the grace of God, to present yourselves as living sacrifices, holy and acceptable to God."   Don't spend too much time trying to figure out how you are going to present yourself as a living sacrifice.  There is no way, but by grace.  That's the beauty of it.
This isn't a one-time thing, it is a process of coming to he cross in humility, letting the Lord examine the condition of our hearts, knowing we need what we dont have, what we will never acheive, but what Jesus gave to us so long ago and offers fresh every moment of every day.
I would like to invite you to use this blog to walk together on our journey of accepting Gods grace, and living a holy life.
-Heather Wallace